They Will Not Seek the White House

Several years back, our two dogs, Boo and McGee, got it in their little heads that they would like to live in a bigger house. They assured us that it was nothing personal, but they felt they may have outgrown our modest digs. Filled with optimism by past presidential results, they formed their own ticket and attempted a run for the White House. Unfortunately for them, our yard is fenced, so the run basically got them as far as the border between our house and our neighbor’s white house.

Undaunted, they formed a PAC with the other neighborhood dogs and embarked on a new campaign in 2016. Sadly, this time they were foiled by the fact that neither could produce a valid birth certificate, both being rescue dogs. “This birther thing is really getting us down,” said Boo at the press conference where he and McGee withdrew from the race.

Last week, however, having cleverly created “alternate identities” with the aid of a very helpful unemployed electoral college admissions fixer, they formed an exploratory committee aimed at determining their chances of success in the ever-widening pool of Democratic candidates. With their new names, Bark Obama and Joe Bite ‘em, they felt that they might be able to draw votes from the nostalgic side of the party. Some political pundits also posited that with their questionable ethics (It has long been rumored that McGee steals food) and smallish brains, they might also pull votes from some of the other significant demographic groups. Optimism was running high in the neighborhood. The pollsters felt that they were polling well in both camps.

Sadly, when the news broke this week that their electoral college adviser was headed to the big house instead of the White House, things took an unfortunate turn for our Knuckleheads. It turns out that the adviser had bragged to an undercover FBI agent about his clever naming scheme and his Photoshop talents.

Bark and Joe

Today, through their publicist and mouthpiece, who happens to be my wife, they informed their sizable social media following that they had chosen not to run in this election. McGee, or “the politician formerly known as Joe Bite’em,” as he now refers to himself on Twitter, left the door open to a future campaign, saying that the electorate has not seen the last of him. Stoic Boo, who is either 15 or 105, depending on the counting system you employ, said that this was his last foray into politics. He was a bit disillusioned, but noted that if he got an egg for breakfast tomorrow he would likely rebound.